Faceless Images

My life is a string of unfortunate events. Not peaches and cream it's more like salt and vinegar chips.

 "When words become unclear, I shall focus with photographs. When images become inadequate, I shall be content with silence." ~ Ansel Adams

We live in a very visual society. Photographs have been used to capture moments in time. It's been said that photos speak a thousand words without making a sound. With social sites like Instagram and Pinterest we use this fast way to update friends and family on our complex lives.

We look at images and sometimes miss their importance. There's more than just the face value. With pictures we are able to feel the emotion of that moment in time. Pictures of a child brings a since of innocence. Pictures of a graduation brings the since of achievement. Pictures are associated with memories. It's kind of funny to me because we never capture hard times or difficult memories. Faceless images, what isn't seen isn't there. What isn't captured isn't worth remembering.

Is it fair to say that those memories are not real because there are not photos to look back upon? If your answer to that question was yes, you probably should go seek help because your in denial.  The un captured  memories are there and yes they do hurt.

My mother died recently and just like we always do in times of grieving we began to look for photos. I found one of the two of us. One picture. And just like that one photo it was challenging to find more then one great memory. When someone dies we look back on the memories, the great memories. Everyone in my family was talking about the memories that they had, the memories that they shared, and I have none. At least no great ones that I remember. I feel as though my mind has been overshadowed by the bad circumstances that I went through. I was so young when I was in my mothers care,  the bad memories have made lasting tattoos on my mind.

When she died. The people in her community had nothing but positive things to say about her. Now besides her being gone it now it hurt me the most because I didn't have the same feelings. Once again I am forced to confront my faceless images. It seemed as though she shared her love with everyone else but me. I didn't understand, still don't and probably never will.

Even though memories can sometimes be unwanted and often times would like to be forgotten they are part of who we are. I've embraced every memory. Time, prayer and God's love makes it better. My faith is so strong because he has been the really only constant thing in my life. When i'm weak His strength has been perfect. It has helped me embrace my pass and I've allowed Him to use it for the good in my future.

My heart, don't stop, my heart be beating over 

My loving never stop, even though that it's over

All of Got Are These Photographs

And this is life...

Signed, Mom

My life is a string of unfortunate events. It's not peaches and cream. It's more like salt and vinegar chips.

I have this box, not like a shoe box but it's a box. Well it's not really a box more like a wooden chest. It's where I keep my secret collection. I collect cards, greeting cards to be exact. Every birthday, Christmas, graduation card you name it I got a card for every significant occasion in my life. This collection of cards have come from many friends, family and colleagues. I hold cards because they each are near and dear to me. Sometimes I go back and read through all of them. They make me stronger. They show that I have support and show that I am loved.

When we search for a card we put a lot of thought into our purchase. Cards show how much we love, appreciate and celebrate the recipient. I usually have to read thru a couple of cards before making the right choice. Although I don't buy cards that often I thoroughly enjoy receiving them. That's something I need to work on.

After my parents, Aunt Debbie and Uncle Jimmy, (now I know you might be confused but just keep reading), gained custody of me I would often look in the mail for cards. It had been a couple of months since I was with my mother and thanksgiving had already passed Christmas and I'm pretty sure a birthday.

One day I did get some mail it was an envelope from my mother. I was so happy to receive a card I opened it I read. I looked for a note, an apology, something!  All that was there was

, Mom

Mom? that's it? Mom?...no I'm coming to visit you. No, how are you doing? no I miss you but just 

, Mom.

To this day I am still excited when I receive a card. Maybe this is the one? I ask myself. Why wouldn't you want to send a card to someone you love? When it's not the one I'm looking for I just add to my obnoxious collection and continue waiting... Maybe just one more card would make me feel loved, feel wanted, feel missed but here's the funny thing I'm still waiting on my card (cards).

Recently I've received a few new cards, but none like any I've received previously. Sympathy cards. I'm thankful for those who were thoughtful enough to send and give these. I've cried reading each and everyone. I appreciate you. You make me strong, these cards help me heal.

Although Ill never receive another card from her I will cherish the one that I do have because it does show that I was loved even though all that was there was

, Mom

...maybe I'm just writing too much and should have just signed this

,Your Son

And this is life...

And This is Life...

This will be the first of my mini blog series. I am deciding to write a book about my life. I'm using this blog to get out all my feelings and honestly talking about them to anyone is not my style. So I am going to allow my fingers to do the talking for me. So what you read will be an excerpt from my book which will be published later in life. I'm writing as I experience it, life is so complex. As Christians we often avoid our feelings, this is my way of confronting them. God is able to heal but we must let things go in order to hear from him and allow Him to do His work. Many of the things you read might come as a surprise. My life is not perfect nor does it come without trials. The inspiration to write comes from my friends, Taryn and Elaina, who I met in college. They have become a vital part of my family. So enjoy, I'm praying that whoever reads these will be blessed to let things of the past go. I'm also hoping this will heal so many people as it is helping in my own healing process. I leave you by saying

And This Is Life...